There’s nothing quite like the day you no longer have your Mother. It’s such an empty feeling…. You lost that person that guided you through this life, that person that loved you unconditionally, whether you realized it or not. It’s so hard to put into words….. Just imagine being around five years old and losing your mother in a overly crowded grocery store and not being able to find her. It’s terrifying…. But this time, you will never find her. She is gone and no matter what, you can’t get her back. This feeling sticks with you a LONG time. Days and weeks go by, Holidays come and go…. But she is still gone. Other people talk to you about their mothers, not understanding that it feels like a knife went through your chest every time you hear the word Mom….. Her Birthday comes, you want to shower her with cake and gifts, but all you have of her is her memory and a quiet grave. You would give anything or do anything just to hear her voice one more time…. People talk to you but you aren’t really listening…. No one knows the right thing to say. It’s seriously the worst feeling I’ve ever had.
I had twenty eight months to prepare for the day my Mother left this world. I read every article on grief and how to deal with losing a parent. I knew everything there was to know about Squamous Cell Carcinoma, so much so, that I could hold detailed conversations with her doctors. I read up on how to get my children through the grief. I educated myself so much…. I really thought that the day she left would be easier…. If I just knew it all…. I was wrong. It did nothing…. All of my preparation was merely a distraction to get me through that time in my life. Watching her go through chemo, the bad news, the good news, the ups and downs, and then ultimately watching her wither away…..
I remember feeling like I lost the biggest part of me the day she took her final breath. It took me close to a year to start to feel like I was actually inside of myself again. I woke up one day and WANTED to be okay. I was tired of not knowing who I am without her. Once I found that desire, it was still a struggle. I had to take my mind to the present and make myself look through my eyes and see life still moving on without me, without her. Life still went on and mine had stopped the moment the life left her body. She wouldn’t have wanted that for me. I know this. We talked about it many times.
I forced myself to stay in today and I watched people living their lives…. I think I needed to see how to live again… When I began to feel comfortable in the now, I started making myself look at the wonderful gifts my Mother left me with. I took a long hard look at the woman I am today, and a lot of who I am today is because of her…. I didn’t lose her like I thought I had, she will never leave. She lives IN ME. It’s a glorious feeling the day you finally reach acceptance. I know now, that the day I could talk about her and not cry, the day I could say with all honesty that I may not have had her as long as I wanted/needed but would rather of had her as my mother for a short time than no time at all, the day I could smile when I caught myself doing the silly things she used to do, the day I finally realized those doctors did all they could, was the day I accepted her passing.
Today, I hold my head up high. I had a GREAT Mother. She wasn’t perfect that’s for sure. But she was perfect for ME. All of the things I love the most about me came from her. I couldn’t be more thankful. God blessed me when he chose her as my Mother. I still have days here and there that hurt, I truly believe I will ALWAYS have those. But today, I am stronger than ever, and am a much better person after making it through this.